A Greener Australia by LAWFORD
Category Writing

Water Saving Tips.

We should all only shower every third day – then no one will notice as we all start to pong up together. But we must ALL start next Monday OK?
Have a crap at work so that the water you are double flushing is not being paid for by you. (The double flushing is required because some bright spark decided that by reducing the water in the toilet cistern from 10 or 11 liters to 7 that it would save water. Only trouble is it won’t flush the floaties away – because there is not enough water to do it – and you have to flush twice. So you now use 14 liters to do the job) Drink beer if you need to re hydrate. There’s less water in a stubby of beer than there is in a 750ml bottle of water that costs more anyway.Build another pipeline from Melbourne to the Goulburn Valley. This is a new one to take all of Melbourne’s grey water to them. It’s only fair. We’re taking their clean water.

Ban/Stop using Plastic Bags.

It is much better to collect your groceries in a paper bag and have the bottom drop out of it as you are halfway up the stairs.The plastic bag you carelessly discard will end up in the sea and choke a dolphin. Don’t worry about the rotting vegetable peels and waste that no longer get put into plastic bags and buried in land fill. We will all be dead from various diseases carried by filthy flies within 5 years anyway so we won’t have to be concerned with buried plastic bags in the earth for the next 6 hundred years.What’s wrong with land fill anyway? Is there something wrong with holes in the ground?

Flatulence contributing to Green House Gasses.

Stop farting. Yes YOU. Don’t pick on the cows. Sure, they fart. But so do you and you can control it. They can’t.

Cars.

Give up work. That way you will not need to leave the house for 5 or 6 days a week as you do now to go to work. Then you don’t need a car, or if you already have one you won’t need to use it except for going out to get the groceries. When you run out of money because you are not working you won’t even need to use it to get the groceries.Buy as many cars as you can and put them in storage. That way there will be fewer cars out there for other people to use. You can only drive one at a time now cant you?Buy an electric car. No pollution caused by you in the city where you drive. Only a little bit more pollution added over the Power Stations every time you plug in for a recharge. But that’s Ok ‘cause you wont see it.Use corn based fuel in your car. It’s better for clean air. There’s too much food in the world anyway.Buy a diesel powered car. You will use less fuel to get around. The manufacturing process of diesel fuel is less costly and takes less time so is more efficient all round. Every body saves – except you because the oil companies charges double the price they need to and their profits increase at a better rate. Exxon Mobil made US$39.5Billion profit last year.

Have you got shares?


Population Growth.
Start a war.
A really big one. I don’t care how you do it, just do it. None of this fiddling around like Bush is doing. We need to take the pressure off the planet ’cause there are too many people on it eating our food and using our fuel. We need to get rid of at least a billion of them. With the population increasing by 200,000+ people a day it will take a while to get back to the current number and give us a bit of space.Just don’t bring your war to my country as we don’t want it.

Recycled Paper.

Use recyled paper for everything. It stuffs up the photo copier at work, but hey, you don’t have to pay for the repairs. Your photo/print quality will be excellent – if you like that sepia look to your shots that is.Dunny paper. Really not worth the shit that gets on your finger when it splits as you use it. Buy the good stuff. You deserve it – then you can rub and not have to dab.

Electrical Items.

Go to a supermarket and buy yourself the biggest magnification glasses they have. I think 5x is the largest. Then sit really close to your regular size TV and you won’t have to buy a 5 metre plasma screen. Better still. Turn it off and read a book printed on recycled paper.Don’t throw that old computer or mobile phone away. Pull it apart yourself and get the gold and other precious metals out of it. You might get enough to buy a cup of decaf coffee.
Make some Money.Come up with a way to make yourself some money from the green effect.Design an organic cotton clothing range and sell it the public at twice the usual price. They’ll feel good and you’ll get rich.Build wind turbines in the back shed and stick them up on the coastline. Better views for everybody.

But most of all. Feel good about yourself for your contribution. No matter how small it may be.